Breaking Dawn: Two hours of my life I'll never get back.

Well, I guess I’ll get this off my chest. I saw breaking dawn and I am completely ashamed of myself. I was in Saint George for the weekend and so was my good friend Brittany who I haven’t seen in over a year. We wanted to go see a movie but weren’t sure what to see. We joked about how bad twilight would be, and somehow that escalated to her asking her mom and sister if they wanted to see it, which they did, so I hesitantly gave in and agreed to see it. Just as a disclaimer, at no point in time did I think this film would be enjoyable by any means!!! But I knew Brittany isn’t a big twilight fan so she would be right there with me making fun of how awful it was. So here we go…

The beginning of the experience was amazing! Best 2 minutes I have seen in the movie theater in a really long time! The Hunger Games trailer! I cannot wait for that movie to come out!  Once that got over the experience when downhill in a hurry. The movie started and literally within 10 seconds Jacob, (the hunky wolf dude) went outside and took his shirt off. Ok really? Is the acting and story line that terrible that you need to catch the girls attention by having guys take their shirt off? I don’t remember what the point of that scene was… but then a few minutes later all the vampire people are out setting up for the wedding. And it’s totally light outside, but none of the vampires are sparkling. I don’t know much about these movies. But I know that when it’s sunny outside, they are supposed to twinkle, or sparkle, or whatever you call it. And they were not. Am I the only one that caught that flaw? So the wedding is about to happens, and everything is magical. At the reception Jacob shows up to see Bella and finds out that they are going to have a honeymoon, but Bella is still human and not a vampire, and apparently vampire sex is like 1000 times more intense than human sex? So he’s totally freaking out that Bella is going to die on their wedding night because Edward is going to have his way with her. (Which quite frankly I wish she would have died because then the movie, and the series would be over).  So they go on their honeymoon to Brazil and get this romantic little bungalow on the beach. Super romantic if you into that kind of thing. Bella is super nervous because not only is she about to lose her virginity, but she may very well die in the process. So she says she needs a few minutes so Edward, for whatever reason, gets naked and goes and stands out in the ocean. She tries to make herself pretty for him, but fails miserably, and so she goes, gets naked and walks out into the water with him. They start sucking making out and next thing you know they are in bed. It definitely shows way too much and is a little too graphic for a PG 13 movie. The next morning the room is just wrecked, the bed is torn up and feathers from the pillow are everywhere. I’m assuming 9 out of 10 honeymoons don’t get that out of hand. But I’ve never been on one, so what do I know?

To speed things up, Bella gets pregnant which they didn’t think was possible because she’s human, and he’s a vampire.   So some creature starts growing inside her super-fast and they don’t know what it is exactly. Everyone thinks she’s going to die because of it. So Jacob and all his other buff wolf friends are like hey, lets go kill some vampires because they broke the rules and are going to kill this human… or something like that. And The head wolf guy is like no, it’s their own business, she’s one of them now… so Jacob has a fit and goes off on his own. But then I don’t remember why but the wolf guys decide they want to kill the vampires? But now Jacob is on the vampires’ side and wants to protect Bella and the little creature inside her. So there is some intense wolf fighting scenes, and when I say intense, I mean it is the most cheesy, ridiculous thing I have seen in a long time! It is a bunch of poorly computer animated wolves running around, and you hear human voices as if they are talking to each other, but they are almost demonic and sound like they belong in a low budget Saturday morning cartoon rather than a box office busting blockbuster.  

So Bella is dying because of this creature inside her and they find out the only way she can live is if she drinks blood. So she drinks blood out of a foam cup like she just got a diet coke at Freddy’s. I don’t have a weak stomach but that was a little gross for my liking. They could have at least made it into a milkshake or something, not just straight blood. After a few days they are running out of blood and Bella is about to give birth to this creature so the vampires need to go get more blood, but the wolves have them surrounded so they cant. Jacob distracts them so they can get away and when the get back they have a huge square off between the vampires and the wolves. It’s mildly entertaining I guess? Meanwhile Bella is giving birth inside to this baby. And after she gives birth she starts to die and I get excited!! Except I know there’s a second movie so she has to live unfortunately. So Edward tries to turn her into a vampire and starts biting her up and down her body but it’s not really working. So Jacob throws a fit and goes outside and starts crying because the love of his life is dying due to his enemy Edward who totally knocked her up. But I’ll give him credit; he kept his shirt on for this scene.

So Jacob goes inside and I think he is going to kill that little creature baby but instead he looks at it and all of a sudden these images of the future start popping up on the screen. Apparently he” imprinted” on the baby? Yeah it’s as weird as it sounds. I guess he has some connection with this little baby and he is going to like protect it and love it or something like that. Meanwhile all these wolves are trying to kill the vampires and that demon child but Jacob comes out and is like “Whoa… I imprinted that thing… you can’t touch it” I guess that’s the rule of all rules for wolves.  You can’t harm someone that has been imprinted on? So the wolves and vampires are at a stalemate. All the while Edward is still inside biting Bella trying to save her and then her eyes open and they are red, meaning she’s a vampire now. And the movie ended. 

So to try and point out the positives of this movie: 1) The Hunger Games trailer rocked! (Which can be seen on YouTube so don’t pay 8 dollars to see it at the beginning of this film. 2) Alice, one of the vampire girls is way attractive!! But once again, just Google her image. Don’t waste your time or money. 3) The fight scene between the wolves and vampires is decent at best… but that’s enjoyable for all of 30 seconds and that’s if you can look past the wolves being completely computer animated.  4) The last 20 minutes of the movie Bella is practically dead so you don’t have to suffer watching Kristin Stewart try and act which is a huge bonus! But they somehow managed to make her look more unattractive than she already is… so pros and cons on that one. 

All in all, the movie was awful. That’s two hours of my life I’m never getting back. And I would not recommend it to anybody. However Brittany and I also saw Warrior this weekend. Huge fan, recommend that for everyone! It’s that simple, go see it.